Fruit
by iridescentZEN
Summary: A BtVS parody. Season 7.


Title: Fruit

Author: iridescentZEN

Category: Parody

Rated: Light M. Or is that 1% Mature?

Notes: This was my answer to the death by ficathon on live journal. My challenge was challenge J - Andrew death by banana slipage, action figure chokage, or tongue swallowing.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

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Willow and Spike sat side by side, each eating a banana rather provocatively. Kennedy's eyes narrowed. Bitch, that ain't right! she thought, watching the woman she was interested in slash stalking down a banana, her eyes locked with the living dead's, who was deep throating a banana of his own.

The bananas were soon at the hilt in the witch and vampire's throats. Neither seemed to have a problem with gag reflex, Kennedy noticed, her eyes narrowing with anger. They both looked like they did this sort of thing all the time.

Willow held the peel away from her mouth, swallowing the last of the fruity goodness. "See, I told you I had mad skills!" Willow informed the bleached blonde, hitting him playfully on the shoulder.

Ooh, look at me, Kennedy thought, staring at Spike with contempt, I'm named after a nail. I'm soooooo cool.

"Oh, I know," Spike said, chewing his last bite while he swirled the browning peel in his hand, "I just wanted to see you do it. You being all Gay!Now, didn't think ya had it in you. Even though we both know Gay!Now doesn't mean Gay!IntheFuture."

Willow's eyes flashed with a passion Kennedy sadly didn't recognize. "Oh, I had it in me," she said, drawing a vertical line from her mouth to between her breasts. Kennedy's interest peaked, her brown eyes following the imaginary line Willow's fingertip drew in a glorious valley of truly lickable skin and freckles. Boobs, boobs, Kennedy thought, almost missing the sultry tone of Willow's voice, "I had it in me down to here!" Willow said emphatically, her voice melting Kennedy's insides to demon goo.

Spike's eyes were glued to the same target Kennedy's were, and she shook her head and called him a pig, silently of course, because he was a man and it was gross when he stared. Worse, he was a dead man. It had to be some kind of reverse necrophilia. A corpse sexually attracted to a living being. Livingphelia. Really, Kennedy had never looked at her hamburger and thought, "Wow, that's sexy. I so want to have sex with that."

Okay, just that once. But still.

Spike fished in his wallet, holding a neatly folded twenty between his fingertips a moment later. Handing it to Willow, he said, "Totally worth it, Will."

"I aim to please," she said smugly, a charming smile plastered across her face.

It was returned with change from Spike.

Kennedy was fuming. Slayer fummage. Not good. Not good at all. The world was turning a hazy red when Spike flung his banana peel at her. It didn't register until a moment later when Willow's followed, whacking Kennedy's chest with its cold, rotting peel.

Willow didn't even have the decency to look like a properly ashamed lesbian hitting her hot slayer stalker. Come on! You couldn't get anymore phallic than a banana. That's it, Kennedy decided. She was going to rat her out, and the lesbian population was going to get its toaster back! And she was going to steal all of Willow's Xena DVDs. She mostly watched for Ares anyway.

"I can't believe you two," she said, a shaking finger of accusation aimed straight at them, then moved to point at Spike. "Does your slayer know about this?"

"Know about what?" Spike asked, playing dumb. Or maybe he was dumb. Because vampires were dead. So technically, they were brain dead too.

"This fruit sex between you two? It's wrong. Wrong!" Kennedy exclaimed with a puff. "I-I," completely flustered, she was barely able to get the words out, "I have to go. I have to kill something. I'll be back later."

"Pfft," Spike lit a cigarette, "Tara never got mad about the fruit sex. Remember that time she ate that watermelon with us?" Spike took a drag, noticing Willow's look of fondness as she remembered that particular evening.

"Yeah," Willow sighed. "That was hot."

A few days later Andrew skipped to the kitchen, convinced that his skip was manly, and evil. Not at all like Shirley Temple, like that stupid slayer skank Kennedy always told him. His was the skip of a joyous but remorseful murderer.

Spit was collecting around his John Crichton Season 1 Farscape action figure that he was sucking on, but he didn't mind.

Anything to be able to fantasize about John Crichton being in his mouth.

Yummy.

The new microwave Willow just replaced after she found out that Buffy had eaten her last Little Debbie's Oatmeal Cream cookie, and it exploded at Willow's magick going wonky from a low sugar RAGE, glistened by sunlight, calling Andrew with its sweet siren's call and its promise of delicious Hot Pockets. This one was much nicer, but really, anything around Willow didn't have a high life expectancy.

He was on his way to the fridge to scare himself up some of those Hot Pockets, planning all kinds of death and a really bad perm for Faith, if she had eaten him out of pepperoni pizza flavor. Those were his. They had His name on them!

Suddenly, he noticed Willow, Xander and Spike sitting in the shade of the kitchen.

"Mnnh," Xander cried orgasmically, as he bit off a piece of banana. John Crichton threatened to fall to the floor, and now balanced his plastic legs precariously on the edge of Andrew's bottom lip.

"I can't believe I didn't let you talk me into this banana thing sooner." Xander felt odd having a moment with his bestfriend and his favorite vampire to hate. Shouldn't he be fixing a wall or putting in new windows?

"Told you he could deep throat a banana, Wil!" Spike laughed, somehow still evil and sexy despite the fact that he was wearing cargo pants, a T-Shirt and no socks.

"Hey," Xander mumbled from around a banana My Goodness, What I wouldn't do to be that banana! "I saw you with that kielbasa mister!"

Andrew veered away from the fridge to walk toward them, "Hey, you guys. Noooo faaair," he whined, his foot slipping on a forgotten banana peel, "No one invited - Ahhh!"

Letting out the most girly scream any of them had ever heard, Andrew accidentally inhaled lost Astronaut John Crichton into the wormhole that was his throat, and hacked like a cat with the biggest hairball trying to dislodge him before he made it all the way to the Uncharted Territories, but plastic John was well and truly inside him.

"Should we help him?" Xander asked, eying the boy as his face turned purple.

"Nah," Willow said. "He annoys me. With his bitchy whining and his being best friends and having a gay crush on the guy who killed my girlfriend." Willow twitched.

"Ate all my blooming onions, he did," Spike said, as though that offense was as horrendous as the one Willow described.

Willow raised her eyebrows. "He *ate* your blooming onions, did he?"

Spike gave her the two fingered salute. "Dumb bint."

Andrew gave one last attempt at drawing in air around John Crichton, but to no avail. Andrew was well and truly dead, and a little upset by it all before the fact that he was going to die without drama. His killer? Plastic. The safest material mankind had ever made.

Buffy strolled in a moment later, completely missing the fact that Tucker's Brother was dead on her kitchen floor. "Oh my god, why didn't you guys tell me you were having fruit sex? You guys don't love me at all!"

End.


End file.
